I could not make the sign of the cross, nor could I answer the priest "Lord, hear our prayers."

It is a Catholic service. My Grandmother was a Catholic and I realize that my Uncle and all of my cousins are all also Catholics. I realize that I would be a Catholic were it not for the fact that my father is an atheist. And that was how I was raised, as an atheist.

Why then did my father make the sign of the cross? Why did he answer the priest "Lord, hear our prayers."? My father who is baptized. My father who killed God and then cries out to its lifeless ears. Why now after all those years when I was assured there was no benevolent force in the universe, no faith, no compassion, that lust and greed were what drove the music of the spheres?

Who was he talking to? What was he doing with his hands?

And so ultimately I am the lone heathen in the temple. Who cannot believe. I am not an atheist. I am worse than that. Negation and blasphemy rule my soul.

In the Name of the Father,
the Son,
and the Hole in the Sky that Will Replace the Moon...

Does he not realize that when the time comes, I will not be able to pray for him...?