Feb 4, 2004

Heatwave Hits Cambridge

Cambridge, MA-- Temperatures Wednesday soared into the forties, forcing citizens to adopt creative measures to try and beat the heat.

"I decided to wear only one pair of long johns, and I'm thinking of taking off my hat" said Christina Strong of Somerville.

Others fled to exotic locations to escape the broiling temperatures, "I've decided to explore those areas of my apartment that have been too cold to enter since November," said Aaron Tieger of Cambridge.

The blistering onslaught has some residents worried about health issues, "My body suddenly stopped shivering and I panicked, " said Mark Lamoureux of Allston, "I thought perhaps I was dead or someone had put ricin in my croissant. But I guess temperatures just got high enough that my body did not have to remain in constant motion to avoid going into cardiac arrest."

The extreme heat also had some tempers flaring, "I made a list of all those douchebags who piss me off and I photocopied it a few thousand times," snarled Medford's James Behrle, "then I made little papier mache effigies from the copies and buried them all in a mass grave under Yankee Stadium. Hoo hoo hee haw haw! What are you lookin at? What? I'm the bad guy now? What?"

The record highs did not prompt Somerville mayor Joseph A. Curtatone to lift the Snow Emergency Curfew in effect since he took office in January.

"Just because the temperatures are above freezing does not mean that a sudden, violent winter storm cannot happen. I only want to keep citizens prepared and collect revenue, therefore I must ask that the citizens of Somerville only go out of doors between the hours of 1 and 3 PM. Anyone caught outside at any other time will be fined $7,000 and removed to Guantanamo Bay...Um, except for the Snow Emergency Elite Police, they can go outside. But only in their special uniforms."

The heatwave did prompt Boston Public Schools to shut their doors for the next 2 1/2 weeks. ROTC and Home Economics programs will remain in session.

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